Okay, so you like your kids. They’re not that bad once you get used to them. Maybe once in a while, when you’ve lost your back scratcher, you can trick the seven-year-old into doing the work for you. Your five-year-old sometimes remembers to feed the dog, and watching reruns of iCarly lets you relive the outrageously libertine childhood you never had.
But let’s be realistic. Moments are few and far between, it’s only Tuesday, you feel unappreciated and your progeny are driving you crazy. What’s a cultured couple to do? Get out of Dodge.
Take a moment to reflect on that suggestion. Work hard to pay off that $250k student loan debt that everyone said you’d be a fool not to take out. You haven’t even smelled a joint since that escapade behind the Tri-Delt sorority house in 1989. You keep buying Bud Light to save pennies in case one of the little angels needs a major orthodontic job before they get there. to the highschool. For the sake of all that’s supposed to be good in the world, it’s time to pamper yourself. I’m not talking about a simple flirtation with the dark side, but a complete immersion in the decadence of what it should be like to be an adult.
Now, just like dropping acid, you don’t want to do this alone. Catch up and join some poor souls who are in the same boat as you. The best results come from spontaneously jumping on the back of the moped and ending up who knows where, but if you’re having trouble thinking outside the box, here’s my list of the most epic adventures that could happen if you just let your flag fly. abnormal.
#1- The road trip
Remember when you were 18 and took your 14-year-old girlfriend across state lines to West Virginia for some alone time? Well, saddle up, mate: time to turn off the GPS and head south. North Gold. Or whatever direction your inner Rasputin tells you. Leaving your comfort zone behind alleviates nagging requests: ‘You’ve been here before. Is poached armadillo good?
#2- Are you really going to eat that?
The world is a tasty morsel waiting to be put on your plate, and rumor has it there are places serving delicacies you only read about in National Geographic. Steamed lobster. Asparagus with hollandaise sauce. Corn Fritters: Every city is home to at least one secret eating establishment meant to test your gastric fortitude. Scour the streets outside the city center for signs not written in English where empty tables can be seen through the windows. This, my friend, is where you want to eat, and you will bore people for years with your tales of nan and tabbouleh bread that tastes like goat feed.
#3- Don’t be an idiot
Really. I strongly suggest that you don’t act like a camel’s foreskin. This is a great mixed doubles activity if done right, and alienating others in your group is not recommended.
#4- Etiquette, you are defacing private property
For this one, everyone should dress in matching gray sweatshirts and black skinny jeans. Who cares if you bought them at Old Navy? Then head to your local paint store (always buy local, as big box stores are the devil incarnate) or raid your dad’s garage for a variety of colorful spray paints. Once you’re properly equipped, find a blank wall where you can express your anguished collaborative awareness with the world. Enjoy a quiet game of ‘narcotics against the neighbors’, with a catchphrase like ‘Bob Johnson cheats on his taxes’ or ‘my shit is bigger than yours’. The winner is decided by who is the last to catch the police.
#5- Build a Treefort
I know, it sounds pretty tame, but you have to look at the big picture. Where should I go? Is there enough space to play hide and seek salami? Can you take advantage of the deed to shore up the mortgage on your house? Are the windows well spaced to allow the bottle rockets to aim correctly?
#6- Role play
Skip the gents and damsels in distress and head straight into the realm of cutting-edge art sales. Start by photocopying their faces, elaborate with some accent markers, and voila! Each person can choose a corner in the center to settle. At the end of an hour, whoever has made the most money without getting arrested wins!
#7- Don’t drink and drive
This little piece of logic goes along with the n. #3, since you don’t want to be a jerk. However, hailing a taxi at the end of a debacle is not what real winners do; instead, look for a keyless car with one or two large back seats (preferably not owned by someone you know) where everyone can sleep. off. The idea of aiming at a stranger because is just that: your aim is off and you’ll throw up inside at 4am before you figure out how to open the door. You wouldn’t want to have to explain it to a friend, would you?
Take some time to plan a fun night out with friends soon, you deserve it.