Are you completely overwhelmed by the unexpected death of a loved one? Frozen in time? Number? Not knowing where to turn? All this and more happens every day and can only be described with one word: Normal. But whether normal or not, its effect is chilling, something that no one who has never had the experience can imagine.

I did that trip with my wife, so I speak from having a minimum of experience with it. However, I don’t pretend to know what anyone else might feel. Every complaint is different because every relationship is unique.

In my case, my wife and I found our four-month-old daughter dead in her crib. I gave her mouth to mouth and my wife called the paramedics who rushed her to the hospital. It was all in vain.

So what can you do? Or what could you do to help someone else recovering from the sudden death of a loved one?

1. Do what comes naturally to you. For us it was crying, as we walked home, which was a long way from the hospital emergency room. We turned down a trip because we needed to be alone. The expression of whatever you have inside is critical. In this case, we were lucky enough to have each other to cry on.

2. Find the privacy you need. We were in an unknown city after having made a temporary change at the beginning of summer. In some strange way, our privacy was being on the sidewalk, the two of us, with all the hum of traffic and people rushing by. They had no idea what was going on in our hearts and minds. You may have to be away from everyone or just with a special person.

3. Being with those you trust the most, who will allow you to be who you are in that moment, without prompting. It will help you immensely if you can have at least one person to direct all your feelings. Be sure to talk about your anger, which is not uncommon. You may have to hug or cling to someone as if they were your only hope.

4. If the primary bereaved is alone when you hear the news, and you also know what has happened, contact that person immediately. If he/she wants to be alone, she will tell him/her. Most likely, her presence alone is a security thread for the person.

5. Find out as much as you can about how the death occurred. It will help you understand and process the events leading up to the death. It may mean that you or someone close to you will need to contact the doctor or nurse or anyone else who may have been on the scene.

6. If possible, observe the body. If there was facial disfigurement, cover the loved one’s face and at least look at the hands or arms. You may need to be alone with the body. Ask for that time and tell others to let you do and say what you feel. If you are providing support to someone, you may want to ask the person if they would like to be with the loved one in this way, especially if there is going to be a closed casket.

7. You may need to suspend your grievance if you are the only person expected to make all of the service and burial arrangements. The same may be true if you are responsible for children who were very close to the deceased. And it’s okay to do it.

8. On the other hand, your shock and disbelief at this tragic event may last longer than you normally expect. Again, stay close to those you trust. You may then need to ask other people for help with arrangements and legal issues, if you don’t feel confident handling them at this time. This is common and totally acceptable.

9. Because it was a sudden death, there was no time to say goodbye. However, you can still do it when you are ready. Find a quiet spot in your home or another special place that is private. Place a photo of your loved one on a chair in front of you and say what’s on your heart. Many people have found comfort and solace in this goodbye.

In short, because each complaint is unique, the response to sudden death is unpredictable. Be especially willing to lean on others for help and expect that habitual reactions to the death of a loved one will linger and persist for a longer period of time.

Throughout the process, don’t keep your pain and sadness inside. Keep releasing those feelings and talking to those who realize your long-term need for good listeners. And I emphasize the long term. Make sure you deal with the guilt and anger and don’t let them build up and get you stuck in your grievance.

When your complaint seems to persist and you feel like you’re not making progress, try joining a support group. There are also many complaint therapists who deal with sudden death in their practices who can help you get back on your feet. Both of these resources are proven aids for those dealing with sudden death. The most important thing is to be open to finding new ways of looking at the world, the terrible death of your loved one, and finding out what others have done to ease the pain.