What do you think is the number one cause of divorce or breakup in relationships? business? Money problems? Boredom? Let me give you a hint:
Albert Einstein said the following: “Men marry women in the hope that they will never change. Women marry men in the hope that they will change. Invariably, both are disappointed.”
If you read that quote carefully, you will see the ticking time bomb that is ticking under 85% of relationships today. Let’s break it down.
“Men marry women hoping they will never change.” Why? Because once a man gives up his precious, hard-earned freedom for a woman and asks her to share her world with him, he has decided that this is the person who fills his life. She brings him something that he cannot get for himself. He envisions a life of love, support, and joy with this woman. He is probably physically attracted to her. His hope is that all these factors never change.
“Women marry men hoping they will change.” Let’s face it, ladies. We are so guilty of this trait. We see the potential in a man. Do you have a beer belly? We will encourage him to go to the gym once we have the ring on his finger. He Isn’t he taking six tricks? With our encouragement and support it will soon be. Is his mother too involved in his life? Once the honeymoon is over… so are mom’s visits. We don’t like her haircut, her choice of golf shirts, the time she spends with the boys, the TV shows… the list goes on and on. With a little help, spitting and polishing, this guy could be quite the catch. Do you see the difference between the two quotes?
I have worked with women for over 30 years. I have interviewed over 2,000 men. I know that the above statements are true. And if you can’t discern where that tick is coming from, let me give you a hint.
When a person constantly puts themselves under a microscope in an effort to see all of their faults, shortcomings, and shortcomings, that person begins to diminish. His life now is one of constant criticism, come-ons, the silent treatments, anger and shattering his dreams. I have seen it so many times. It begins as what the woman perceives as harmless suggestions about her hygiene, fashion sense, choice of friends, etc. Her intentions are honorable, right? I mean, she’s just trying to help the poor guy have a better life, right?
If you look deeper into the real motivation behind women trying to “improve” their partners, you’ll see the real impetus. They are your own feelings of low self-esteem. She needs the world, especially her friends and family, to see her with someone amazing. This human being that she married is a reflection of what she was able to capture and, in a sense, is a criterion of how “she measures up.” Her annoying traits may reflect her own that she is unhappy with. On a subconscious level, she feels that by “straightening it out” she has addressed her own problems.
The reason belittling, undermining, insulting, and underestimating your partner is so dangerous and damaging is that it will eventually erode his feelings for you and himself. Affaires are usually started out of a person’s need to feel loved and admired, at all costs. We are closing off the very person we think we love and be with. Why is it so important for us to separate them now? Seriously, who gave you the right or power to take someone else’s self-esteem and smash it into the ground?
You can defuse the bomb with a simple trick: start looking at it with eyes of love and appreciation. he’s human. He’s going to screw up from time to time, just like you. The next time he is tempted to point out something he did wrong, think about his latest mistake. Did you spill the milk? Break a plate? Are you late for work? Losing car keys? We are so used to ignoring our own flaws while walking around with a magnifying glass and a sniper gun hoping that our loved one is wrong. Nothing…and I mean NOTHING will kill a relationship faster.
Please… let him breathe. Let it be human. When you start appreciating him for everything he does for you, how hard he tries to do the best he can with what he has, you’ll start to lose the habit of blaming and putting down. You will see this boy blossom before your eyes as he feels loved and admired. The men I surveyed listed being admired and appreciated as the top two things they crave from their women. Take it from them and you will see someone who has become a shell of his old self.
If you continue to feel the need to be in control and hurt others, you need to address your low feelings of self-worth. You can only give what you have inside. If you can’t give love, appreciation, and support, then there is a hole inside of you that needs to be addressed.
Dr. Wayne Dyer has a favorite quote of mine: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Believe me, when you change the way you see him, and see him only through the eyes of love and appreciation, he will change. But not for the selfish reasons we listed above. Rather, he will become the man HE always wanted to be and you will have a relationship that fairy tales are built on.
