Middle-aged women have one of the highest levels of stress found in our culture today. This is not surprising, given the multiple roles they play, the expectations of our culture, and the speed of our lifestyles. Middle-aged women are working in senior positions on a scale never before achieved by women. At the same time, there’s a 50 percent chance that they’re single, and another 50 percent chance that they’re either babysitting or parenting (or both) in some way. More than four in 10 adults in the United States between the ages of 45 and 55, the majority of whom are women, are caring for a child and an older adult, usually a parent. Of those caregivers, 64 percent are employed full or part-time, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving.

What are we talking about when we talk about life balance? I was prompted to write this article when I realized that most women don’t need another set of instructions for “traditional” life balance. I’m tired of life balance articles that send women the message that there are “10 easy steps.” Middle-aged men grew up with the feminist movement that gave us a blueprint for “doing it all”: make bacon and pan-fry it. Many of us, myself included, have found that this doesn’t work.

What are the real underlying life balance issues that affect most women? What do we want and what stands in our way? Are we given a cultural image of “life balance” that is a myth? Do we need to consider another model so we can feel a little better about this whole concept?

Balance of life, the basics. So what exactly is life balance? At the most basic level, for me and many other middle-aged women, it’s all about headspace.

Within that mental space, that internal process, there are a multitude of possibilities for me. For one thing, I can get my priorities in order and not just go on autopilot. I recently went through one of those moments where I lost sight of my mental space for too long. I found my diet had gone south and I worked every day without any personal agenda. In essence, I was getting nowhere.

Most significantly, if we don’t have headroom, we lose the ability to truly be alive. What could be more important?

Expendable time. This tranquility requires that we have time. Although each of us has 24 hours deposited into our bank account each day, we all have very different automatic drafts from our account. Two of my good friends are examples.

Consider Christie, a 45-year-old full-time hospital scrub nurse and married mother of two boys, ages 12 and 14. Christie’s husband works in sales and travels Monday through Thursday. Christie’s 71-year-old mother lives near her and is recovering from cancer. Christie helps her mother with doctor’s appointments and other needs, she takes her children to sports and activities, and also keeps the house “running.” Christie frequently overdraws on her time and finds herself up before 5 am to give herself headroom.

Instead, there is Lucy, 46, a rural support nurse, married with no children of her own, although she does have 20- and 22-year-old stepchildren. Lucy’s parents are in excellent health and live in another part of the country. Lucy’s husband is semi-retired and has taken over many of the household chores. Although Lucy travels for her job, she is able to come home and have fun. She participates in triathlons and is learning to carve in stone.

It is clear that time is a commodity that can have a great impact on the balance of our lives. Understanding this concept can help middle-aged women stop beating themselves up and instead start moving forward and discover ways to find balance in life.

Support for. Support allows us to feel safe and have peace of mind. Women need support in all four quadrants of mind/body/spirit/emotions. How did we get this?

One of the biggest lessons of my own middle age has been the realization that the “mind reading” my mother taught me is of no use to me. In other words, slamming the door, taking a deep breath, or breaking pots and pans doesn’t meet my needs. I was taught, like many women of my generation, that we must do everything and never ask for help. This makes no sense.

We have to learn to ask for help. Get out a sheet of paper and make four quadrants. Call them “mind”, “body”, “spirit” and “emotions”. List how and where you get support for each area. Where are the holes? You most likely feel unbalanced when you don’t have support. Where do you need to ask for help?

Beyond the basics. Sue Shellenbarger, in her recent book Breaking Point, says that the midlife crisis for women is driven by an underlying need for creativity and meaning in life. Once she can get the headspace to balance her life and the support to do so, she will have the ability to create opportunities to do the things she loves. It seems to me that many middle-aged women do not know what they like to do. They know something is missing, but they can’t identify it. One way to find out is to ask yourself, if you had one day to do something you loved, what would it be? If you’ve lived your whole life making bacon and frying it in a skillet, you haven’t explored your playful side. Life is too serious.

Balance for middle-aged women is not a myth if it can be defined and experienced in its smallest denominator, the mental space. For some women, gaining headspace is a monumental step and a real start. Beyond the basics, the balance is handled individually. As women, our homeostate or balance metric is complex. We have years of expectations and beliefs that cover our detection mechanism. We must strive to ensure that life balance is not another achievement where we fall short. We are worth it!

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