Perhaps no word in relationships, including those between gay men, is as inflammatory as “cheating” – the jargon to denote a person in a relationship who has sex with someone outside of that relationship in a way that all too often results in feelings of anger, betrayal. , and disappointment in the remaining partner. However, some would argue that this dynamic simply borrows from an outdated heterosexual paradigm, where a “helpless” woman, dependent on her husband for economic and social sustenance, is “scorned” by a womanizing man unable to control her lustful desires. , and you can only get them back. social position and dignity by punishing the man in a bitter divorce and alimony agreement.
In gay male culture, however, more variations on the monogamous relationship are common. A 2002 study in Lawyer The magazine reported that only one-third of gay male partners are sexually exclusive (Advocate Sex Poll, 2002), and that the AIDS epidemic has not changed this basic statistic from previous years. Many circles of gay male friends would casually suggest that this percentage is much lower, with a common phrase being: “Do you know? no gay couple who is truly monogamous? “Perhaps this somewhat cynical perception is correct.
Legendary psychotherapist Michael Shernoff, LCSW, author, teacher, and therapist specializing in gay men’s issues in New York City for over 30 years, wrote about “Negotiated Non-monogamy and Male Partners” in a recent article for the scholarly journal, Family process (Vol. 45, No. 4, 2006, pp. 407-418). Shernoff offers a possible explanation for non-monogamy in gay male partners in the sense that it is related to gender: Men tend to be more oriented than women towards a recreational approach to sex. He quotes researcher Michael Bettinger, who suggests that this trait may be genetically integrated in men because it is evident in all human cultures throughout history. In addition, he quotes author Dominic Davies, who suggests that men may be better able to separate love from sex in their minds, and that gay men (who already challenge heterosexual notions just by coming out) develop their own system of sex. values, rejecting “patriarchal” politics. and the capitalist notion of a partner as possession “.
Shernoff classifies gay male couples into four subtypes:
1) the sexually exclusive partner (monogamous);
2) the non-exclusive but not recognized sexually partner (“cheating”);
3) the primarily sexually exclusive partner, also known as “modified monogamy” (those who perhaps engage in occasional three-way or group sex together);
4) the non-exclusive sexually recognized partner (the open relationship), and
5) non-sexual domestic partners. It describes how for some couples of homosexual men, “fidelity” is defined by the emotional primacy of the relationship and the observance of the rules that the couple has agreed on how sex should manifest itself outside the relationship; whereas “infidelity” means not having sex outside of the relationship, but breaking established rules, such as having unprotected sex outside of the relationship when it was agreed that condoms would be used, or having sex locally when it was agreed that they would play with other people only while traveling.
Very often in my psychotherapy practice, my gay male clients discuss various concerns about meeting their sexual needs, including the gay partners I see. These couples describe how, while their emotional commitments to each other are strong, some yearn to satisfy a sexual need that is outside the desires or even capabilities of their main partner. This tension leads the couple to spouse counseling to explore the problems and identify some options to resolve their dilemma.
Others are in therapy because the relationship has been damaged by one or both partners who “cheated” on the agreed monogamous arrangement, and seek help in understanding why outdoor sex was desired. Sometimes this can be about power dynamics or unresolved emotional conflicts between partners, while other times, perhaps more commonly, it is just a natural male desire for sexual variety after the initial emotion that characterizes early relationships. unsurprisingly, it fades.
In identifying possible options, much of the discussion revolves around how each member of the couple is influenced about sex early on from the teachings of their family of origin, culture, religious upbringing, and past relationship experiences. , and explore how the two partners differ in these areas. Understanding how each member of the couple came to their conclusions about preferences, desires, and fears regarding love and sex is a first step in identifying what new options might work as the couple seeks to make changes that lead to a greater emotional and sexual satisfaction.
To explore non-monogamy options that feel safe and minimize jealousy or feelings of threat, we assess the relationship as a whole, including items such as housework, work life, finances, routines, shared hobbies, problems with individual health, friends and social support. and relationships with “in-laws.” Next, we explore each couple’s view of the couple’s current sex life: type, frequency, duration, sex roles, and satisfaction levels.
Next, we brainstorm each partner’s fantasies that lead them to consider the desire to open up the relationship with external partners, including the activities that are desired and why, and the characteristics of the desired partners (race, size , constitution, age, even “endowment”). sexual “or” style “). Positive fantasies of desired activities are considered along with the fears each couple has about exploring options, such as jealousy, fear of abandonment, personal safety, HIV / STD risk, and even the practical time management of how to play with others while you are still, saving free time to share activities in the relationship.
Part of the job is evaluating whether the couple is ready to consider a non-exclusive arrangement. Author J. Morin (In the family, Flight. 4, pp. 12-15) has suggested that a gay male couple is prepared to adapt to non-monogamy whenever
1) both partners want their relationship to remain primary;
2) have established a goodwill reserve;
3) there are minimal lingering resentments for betrayals or past hurts;
4) the partners are not polar opposites on the issue of monogamy;
5) partners feel equally powerful / autonomous as equal partners in the relationship;
6) Every partner has friends and support in addition to his partner,
7) partners have an above-average tolerance for change, confusion, anxiety, jealousy, and other uncomfortable feelings; and
8) the couple is simply bored sexually but very confident and loving with each other. When these items are mostly satisfied, a safe exploration of options can begin.
The next step in the counseling process is to discuss the proposed ideal scenario, a time to begin the new arrangement, and a set time to evaluate, discuss, make changes, and reevaluate the arrangement. The final step is for each partner to complete a written exercise called External sexual contract agreement. After some time to experiment with the new arrangement, perhaps a couple of months, the couple evaluates their experiences and makes additional changes if necessary, and each member is careful to respond to the other’s concerns to preserve a sense of security and safety. privacy. and trust.
Once these steps are completed, the couple move forward with the confidence that they have overcome the conflict related to outdoor sex with open and safe communication and the confidence that the love they share is safe, as they embark on exciting changes that they lead to greater fulfillment and satisfaction. in the relationship of each of them, without more dynamics of “traps” that detract from their quality of life.