Do any of the following situations sound familiar to you?

Your friend, coworker, or partner uses threats of violence to manipulate your behavior.

Your friend, coworker, or partner constantly puts you and your choices down, insists that your decisions are wrong, or uses other emotional tactics to influence your actions.

You have a friend who constantly gets her way, who makes all the decisions and refuses to participate if her demands are not met.

Someone only calls you when they need something: a favor, money, etc. No matter how many times you help her or what you have given her, she never reciprocates.

You find yourself reacting to demands by engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, following the other person around even though you don’t want to, because it’s easier than the confrontation that would ensue if you defended yourself.

Dealing with this person leaves you feeling drained, physically and emotionally, and doubting your own worth.

If you identify with any of the scenarios listed above, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Is your relationship toxic?

A toxic relationship is one in which one partner controls the other through physical, mental, or emotional manipulation. Rather than exhibiting the equality, care, and mutual respect of a healthy relationship, these dysfunctional relationships are characterized by an imbalance of power in which a couple uses a variety of methods to ensure that their needs are always met, often to the detriment of the other.

When talking about abusive relationships, many immediately think of romantic partners. While this is certainly a problem in modern society, toxic relationships are not limited to those who are romantically entwined. They also include friendships and work relationships. Any situation in which an individual abuses ties with others has the potential to be toxic.

As the situations listed above illustrate, there are a number of characteristics that are common to a toxic relationship. While not all of these symptoms need to be present, many will be.

One partner is in control of the relationship. She decides where they will go, when they will get there, and what they will do when they get there.

This individual ensures that their demands are met using a number of techniques ranging from physical abuse and the threat of physical abuse to verbal harassment, from mental and emotional manipulation.

The individual who is not in control feels powerless to confront or contradict the one in power. He will agree to her friend’s demands, despite his lack of interest in the proposed activity.

The relationship is a “one-way street,” with the person in control receiving all the benefits of the relationship.

The powerless individual may find themselves acting in unusual ways as a result of feelings of powerlessness and lack of control. He may participate in activities minimally, performing poorly because his heart isn’t in it. He may agree to the activities but then complain during their time together in an unconscious attempt to shorten the activity. May engage in passive-aggressive behavior in an attempt to make the person in control uncomfortable.

The interactions of this spell often leave the powerless partner feeling emotionally and physically drained. During the activity there may be a component of fear as you try to avoid angering the person in control. The fear of retribution, once it has dissipated, leaves one exhausted.

The Toxic Friend – Recognizing Bullying

The most obvious type of bullying, the one that is most identifiable, is that which involves the implied or overt threat of physical violence. This has become a well-recognized theme, often associated with romantic relationships and other interactions. Physical bullying, however, is not limited to these areas. There are many cases of friendships that carry the threat of violence.

However, it is important to note that there are other, more subtle types of bullying. These may be more prevalent in friendships that meet the definition of a toxic relationship. As with romantic relationships, bullying in a toxic friendship can and often does include an element of emotional manipulation. Mental and emotional manipulation techniques can vary widely.

There is the friend who belittles someone, constantly pointing out their flaws and shortcomings, whether they are physical, emotional, or lack of other companions. This person makes their friends feel like they are doing them a favor by participating in activities with them. Without the bully, they insist, you would have no one. “Your choice is to be with me or to be alone.”

There is the friend who blames others to get them to be with her and do what she wants to do. She may insist that “we always do what you want to do.” Although this is not correct, it implies a give and take that does not exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “If we do what she wants to do this time, we can do what I want to do next time.” Unfortunately, there is no “next time” that will fulfill this wish.

There is the friend who can accede to the wishes of others, only to make their lives miserable. He can let someone else choose the restaurant, but he will complain about the service, the food, the atmosphere, the parking lot, the other diners, and anything else he can think of. One quickly learns that there is no point in trying to do anything other than what he wants to do. Anything else will just be a miserable experience.

Why are these toxic individuals the way they are? Why are they self-centered, unreliable, and manipulative? It should come as no surprise that there are a number of answers to this question as well. Please note that the following descriptions are not intended to excuse toxic behavior, only to explain it.

Some people are reacting to stressors in their own lives. When you feel out of control in one area of ​​your life, due to other relationships, job demands, poor physical health, or any other reason, you may try to exercise control in another area of ​​your life. This can be a temporary solution to a personal feeling of helplessness and could be easily corrected.

Others may display the lack of empathy and awareness of others that are traits of true sociopathy. There is no change from these individuals. In fact, any attempt to do so may result in an escalation of toxic behavior.

Finally, there are those who bully, manipulate, and engage in other negative behaviors for the simple reason that they have learned that these actions are rewarding. If they push hard enough, they’ll get what they want. Why bother entering into a reciprocal exchange when one can act in such a way that one achieves one’s goals without having to give up anything?

Does it take two to tango?

Those who are on the receiving end of this type of toxic behavior may end every interaction with their bullying friend with the same question: Why am I putting up with this?

Low self-esteem may be part of the answer. If one is told throughout his life that he does not deserve good things, it is natural that he comes to internalize this idea. The toxic bully reinforces this self-image with every interaction. The first thing you need to realize is that no one deserves to be mistreated.

In a sense, being part of a toxic relationship is really easy. There’s no need to plan for yourself when you know someone else is going to tell you what to do. The rules of the relationship are explained quite clearly. You do what the other person says and avoid negative consequences.

What else is there? If one has been constantly manipulated, either physically or emotionally, one comes to question the reality of any other type of relationship. If you convince yourself that there is some bullying and manipulative aspect to every relationship, it will be easy for you to convince yourself that there is no reason to pursue a different friendship. You are already familiar with the devil you know, after all.

Stop the music

If you found yourself nodding while reading the previous section, there are some important things to know. First of all, none of the negative things you have endured are your fault. The bully is to blame, not you. Second, there are different types of friendships. It is possible to bond with people because of shared mutual interests. There are people who will get involved in mutually beneficial relationships. There are people who will want to be with you for who you are, not for what you can do for them. Lastly, and most importantly, you deserve better treatment. This may mean confronting the other half of your current toxic friendship or seeking new relationships.

There are a number of different tactics to deal with bullying behavior and change toxic relationships into healthy ones. Before addressing them, we must reinforce two ideas.

Know that you deserve better. This is the key to any potential change. Everything discussed below hinges on the knowledge that you are worth more than what you have been receiving.

Bullying, physical abuse, emotional manipulation, and other aspects of toxic relationships are unacceptable behaviors. These are things the abuser does and they are not okay.

If you’re ready for a better relationship, there are a few things you can try:

The simplest answer, but potentially the most difficult, is to end the relationship completely. This means not taking phone calls, not answering text messages, ignoring any of the manipulative behaviors that will restart the cycle of toxicity. It seems like an easy fix, but when you’ve invested time and energy into a friendship, even if it’s not beneficial to your well-being, it can be hard to end it. This is even more difficult if the relationship has an element of physical abuse. If this is the case, make sure you are safe and that there is no chance of physical repercussion. This may involve outside assistance from family, other friends, or the authorities. There are many programs and shelters that can also provide assistance. Above all, be careful and act in such a way as to protect yourself.

If you do not wish to end the relationship, it will be necessary to address the harasser. Point out behaviors that are unacceptable. Again, if there is an aspect of physical abuse, be very careful when doing it. The other person is likely to become agitated, angry, or upset during this conversation. Stand firm in your stance that toxic behavior will not be tolerated. It is also important to remain calm during this discussion. The conversation may start to turn into an argument. Do not engage the harasser in insults, threats, or similar behavior. Just reiterate what you need to change and why.

It is extremely important not to back down. If, after a few weeks of better behavior, the old methods of manipulation start to creep up again, bring them up calmly and non-aggressively. Reaffirm that these are the actions that will not be tolerated.

Regardless of how you choose to deal with the toxic person in your life, it is beneficial to find other friends that you can relate to. These people will not only provide companionship in case the toxic friend goes away, but they will also provide examples of how a friendship should work. In addition, they will reinforce the idea that you can be part of a healthy relationship and deserve to have good friends.