Have you ever had a problem that had no solution? Was that so fixed, so permanent, so fiendishly constructed as to make any solution impossible?

Yes me too. Asshole bosses, offensive family members, a body not to be mistaken for a supermodel. Etcetera and etcetera. The world was nothing more than a collection of things against which he had to fight in vain. I had to put on the armor every day and as a philosopher* once said: “Think more, outmaneuver and outmaneuver to eke out a living in a hostile universe.” One crisis passes, another breaks out. There’s no need to send me to hell. I’m already there. Poor me.

By the time I got sick and tired of this kind of life, I came across a process that helped me change the way I think about these unsolvable problems and about my life itself. The philosopher I mentioned called the process Discover, Discover, and Discard. The process itself is very simple, but not easy to follow. For me, this was because he forced me to accept the idea that all my problems were created by me. “Everyone” is the operative word here.

If you’re like me, you look at a statement like that and your mind immediately goes into overdrive: Oh no, it’s not my problems. My problems are different. And immediately you go through your Trouble List and recite the litany of those who are truly responsible for causing them.

Like I said, the goal of Uncover, Uncover, and Discard is to change the way you think rather than to solve your problems. I found that if I could think differently, I could begin to see my part in all those unsolvable problems: how I had taken actions based on my own self-interest that caused me to conflict with myself and the world around me. Using Discover, Discover and Discard, I found that every last one of my unresolved problems was solved. I stopped having to think, overcome and maneuver. I moved from hell to heaven. And no one and nothing had to change, except me.

Is that how it works. First you have to be open to the idea of ​​changing your way of thinking. If you’re not ready for that, if you’re steadfastly opposed to the idea that you may be responsible for your own problems, then it won’t work. If this is you, then you really have earned your place in hell. Good luck with that.

But if you’re convinced it’s time for a change, try this: On a piece of paper, make four columns:

o The problem (usually someone you feel or something you are afraid of)

or the cause

or how it affects me

or my share

Now, let’s consider one of those unsolvable problems. Let’s say there is a guy at work who is always looking out for your case. He tries to make himself look better at his expense: he criticizes his work in front of the boss, takes credit for the things he actually did. The boss loves him, so you know he’s not going anywhere. We’ll call him Harry. So:

o In Column One, you write that the problem is that you resent Harry.

o In column two, list Harry’s behaviors: why you feel perfectly justified in resenting him.

o In Column Three, list the parts of yourself that affect Harry’s behaviors. These can generally be categorized into four areas: self-esteem, personal relationships, material security, and emotional security. In Harry’s case, you’re probably looking at all four.

Consider this for a moment. We started out resentful of Harry. Then we saw that it wasn’t Harry that bothered us, but his behavior. Then we saw that it was not his behavior that bothered us, but how his behavior affected those four areas of our being. And now that?

o In Column Four, we are now ready to see our part in the resentment of Harry. Let’s think of four basic ways of acting that can get us into trouble: selfish, dishonest, scared, and inconsiderate. We did? Were we selfish, in the sense that we wanted more credit for ourselves? Were we dishonest in our dealings with Harry? Do we act out of fear of losing our job and financial security? Were we inconsiderate in not considering that Harry’s behavior could be due to some issues he is struggling with (divorce, financial insecurity, etc.?)

Viewed this way, it is almost always the case that acting on one of these four drives puts us in a position to be hurt. Our problems (the things we list in Column Three) are actually not caused by people like Harry, but are triggered by our own behavior (the things we list in Column Four). This doesn’t excuse Harry’s behavior, of course, but you can’t do anything about it. You can only change your attitude towards Harry. And if you can change your attitude (your way of thinking), then you have a chance to spend much less time thinking about your resentment towards Harry and more time thinking about more positive things, like the other unsolvable problems you’d like to solve.

So using this system, we uncover the resentments and fears that we spend our time thinking about. We discover what lies behind those resentments and fears, and once we understand our part in them, we can dismiss them and move on.

For me, this is an invaluable tool to make my way in life. I do the Uncover, Uncover, and Discard process regularly for any resentments and fears I have at any given time. Some recovery programs call this “taking an inventory” and also suggest that you share your “inventory” with someone you trust (doctor, therapist, clergyman, etc.) to get independent feedback on these issues. I’ve done that, and it really helps.

Of one thing we can be sure: “unsolvable” problems will always be with us. For each of them, we have a choice: we can blame others for those problems and let our feelings and fears eat us inside; or we can try to change our thinking and, in the process, change ourselves.

* Chuck C., whose book A New Pair of Glasses discusses the process in detail. Check it out.