More than three decades ago, a grievance therapist wrote that one of the most important needs of anyone grieving the death of a loved one is to find safe people and places. Why? Because when we suffer in our wrong, we are vulnerable and need protection that promotes a sense of safety and security.

Sanctuary has multiple meanings, however, I use it here to indicate a special place that provides rest, safety, as well as an informative and supportive environment, at a time when our defenses are down and we need reassurance.

Here’s what you need to know to create and use your personal sanctuary.

1. Find a place in your home that is away from street traffic and other noise and that can provide privacy if possible with a view. Rearrange the furniture so that you have a comfortable chair or sofa to sit or lie on. If soothing music helps you unwind, bring a CD player or your ipod. Turn off the phone. You may want to bring a favorite photo of your loved one to look at. This is where you can journal your loved one, read, pray, or just lie down and put your feet up.

Form the intention in your mind to use this retreat as your space of peace and tranquility. Early in the grieving process, begin to wish you could go there at some point in the day.

2. There are no obligations when you go to your sanctuary. Take the view that you have a right to rest, silence, or your particular kind of relaxation. You can do what you want without interruptions, be who you are without pretense and show your feelings without worrying about others. Say what you have to say out loud or in the silence of your heart. This time is rightfully yours and yours alone.

3. You may also consider using a local church as your sanctuary. Go there at different times of the day to see when the fewest people are present. Then plan to visit when you feel it best suits your purpose. Sit quietly in a place that gives you the most privacy and let your mind wander to the images, statues or architecture. Close your eyes and rest in the presence of divinity.

As you relax, allow your beliefs about the presence of the unseen to give you support and the strength to choose a path to healing. This may also be the place you’ll want to use to ask for a sign that your loved one is okay, where you choose to speak to your deceased loved one and listen carefully to your intuition.

4. Another sanctuary that offers great opportunity for comfort and inspiration is nature. If you have a quiet outdoor area on your property, or in your neighborhood, that you can visit every day (remember, you need a sanctuary every day), set it up for your use. Or maybe you have a porch or deck with adequate privacy and a view of birds, trees, and butterflies that encourages replenishment. Only the beauty of nature can provide powerful meaning, putting you in touch with the Divine and bringing you peace and comfort.

In short, a sanctuary is an important need and right for mourners who want to rest away from the maelstrom of people and demands in times of great sadness. Make it clear to your support system how much you need this type of environment, so they can help you respect the privacy you need. Consider alternating the use of the three suggested shrines.

Don’t feel like you’re wasting yourself in this effort, as grief work is intensely time-demanding, and as the weeks go by, using your shrine will save precious energy and be critical to maintaining health.