Have you ever told yourself, when thinking about the loss of your loved one, that you are afraid to face the world without him/her? Or have you said, “This isn’t fair. I don’t deserve this. Why has this happened to me? How am I going to raise the kids and pay the bills?”

Everyone talks quietly to themselves every day. It is a normal human response that has great power to shape the conditions of life. We often don’t realize how negative our internal dialogue becomes. Regardless of the nature of external conditions, however, what one says to oneself during grief is critical to any action taken or not taken. And, the way they converse internally will greatly influence the amount of physical and emotional pain that is incurred.

In the final analysis, many factors will influence how you deal with loss. But none carry more weight than what you tell yourself and the beliefs behind that talk. Here are some considerations for developing an internal dialogue that can help you cope with your loss.

1. To motivate yourself to face loss, never forget that your thoughts and the way you express them are extremely powerful. Every thought has a physical counterpart. However, when you are grieving, every cell in your body is grieving. Tort is hard work, demanding enormous amounts of energy. You can conserve energy with a calming self-talk at the right time.

2. The most important self-talk you can create is telling yourself that you will get through this sad time. Use whatever is most meaningful to you: “I’m going to make it.” “I’m persistent”. “I’m winning.” “I’m doing.” Keep repeating and repeating so that it becomes part of your unconscious beliefs.

3. We all have unconscious beliefs that we are not aware of that affect behavior. They are learned early in life and can be reliable or highly questionable. For example, many people hold back tears due to an unconscious (and sometimes conscious) belief that crying is a sign of weakness. You can uncover your unconscious beliefs by carefully observing your behavior and asking what belief is behind your actions or inaction.

4. Use your self-talk when you feel overwhelmed by painful thoughts. No matter where you are – standing in line at the grocery store, waiting for a ride, or sitting at your desk – have an affirmative statement ready to go when you realize you’re focusing too much on what you miss about your loved one. The key is to recognize if your thoughts are dragging you down.

Try, “I am changing the focus of my thoughts” or “I am changing.” Then substitute a positive memory and add “That’s beautiful.” Keep repeating it and walk, turn left or right, or get up from your desk. Combine self-talk with physical movement whenever you can.

5. Use your positive self-talk as part of a morning wake-up ritual. What you say to yourself first thing in the morning when you wake up can affect the quality of your day. “I face my pain and get over it” or “I am surviving my pain” may be possibilities to start with. “I will survive this day” is another option.

Or pray for the wisdom to make the right decisions and deal with the new routines you must establish. Then start your positive self-talk and repeat each sentence at least 15-20 times. Always use “I am” to indicate that you are in the act of doing.

6. Finally, give your physical self a break by choosing to focus on taking a break from stress each day for at least 20-30 minutes. Find a quiet place. Tell yourself to drain the tension and anxiety out of your body as you lie down. Say, “Let go. Let go. Muscles relax.” He continues to train you to recover.

You have the power within you to cope with your great loss. You can get up. Yes, allow others to help you. But you have to be consistently the lead lifter. Make self-care a priority. You are doing this out of love for yourself, a truly noble and necessary approach, in order to integrate this loss into your life.