Sometimes I hear from people who have begun to realize that their spouse no longer meets their needs. They often feel that their spouse does not understand or appreciate who they really are. Sometimes the dissatisfied spouse will try to drop clues or make comments in order to gently push more appreciation or attention from their spouse. Sometimes this is all that is needed. But other times, the dissatisfied spouse feels ignored and unappreciated. And occasionally, they may decide that they no longer want this type of marriage or this type of life.
I heard a wife say, “My husband constantly takes me for granted. I could change my hair drastically or get a very dark tan and he wouldn’t realize there is something different about me. About a month ago, I got a promotion. important at work, which was very important to me. Not only did my husband not compliment or compliment me, he didn’t seem to understand why it was so important. He totally downplayed it like it wasn’t a big deal. One of my good friends got divorced about a year ago and has just started dating again. Her new boyfriend constantly tells her how beautiful and special she is. She can put a small amount of highlights in her hair and he will notice it right away. Leave her little notes and does sweet things just to let her know that he’s thinking of her. He will brag about how wonderful and unique he is to the rest of us. My husband never does anything like this. It’s like he doesn’t. I think there is something unique co or special About me. I’m the only one cleaning his clothes and making him dinner. But he does not understand that there really is a person who feels underneath. This bothers me a lot. I am very angry about that. And I’ve been thinking about separating or leaving my husband because I don’t want to share my life with a man who doesn’t make me feel special. What I can do? “
This type of correspondence is quite common, especially between couples who have been married for a while. And it is also very common when the friends of the dissatisfied spouse start dating again. Because now you’re in a situation where you’re witnessing people acting like teenagers who haven’t had to deal with the realities of a long-term relationship yet. This doesn’t mean that all of this doesn’t hurt and that you just have to accept it. Everyone deserves to feel loved and appreciated in their marriage. Everyone wants, needs and deserves recognition. So in the next article, I will offer you tips on how to achieve this.
Demonstrate the behavior you want to see: I am going to ask you to have some patience with the point I am about to make. Often the easiest and most effective way to get what you want is to give it to someone else. I know this may sound crazy, but bear with me. Often when I ask dissatisfied spouses what they are doing without being reciprocated, it becomes obvious that neither of them is displaying much of the desired behavior to the other. And it can be difficult to get a loving, appreciative, and caring demeanor from your spouse when you’re not giving it to him, too. So an easy way to start this process is to start noticing what makes your spouse special, and then compliment them on the same. I know this can be particularly difficult when you’re feeling so frustrated, but give it a try. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Often times, your spouse will start to reciprocate (at least to the best of his ability) and if he doesn’t, you will have at least laid the groundwork for having an important discussion about this.
If changing your behavior doesn’t get the desired response, then it’s time to talk about it: Unfortunately, your spouse often cannot read your mind. And many cannot grasp the clues that we think are very obvious. So, if after doing the best you can, your spouse still doesn’t make an effort to make you feel special, then you want to carefully bring this to your attention. When things are going well between you, then you might say something like, “Honey, can we talk for a minute? I don’t want to sound needy, but I would really like if you could do a few things to show me how much you appreciate me. I need to feel valued and noticed. I would like you to notice what is happening in my work and brag about it. I would like you to notice my appearance and reciprocate when I do things well for you. I know that if you made a little effort, our marriage would improve. spark would be fun for both of us. ” Frankly, a good time to talk about this is after sex or after you’ve had a particularly fun night together. That way, they will be more receptive to what you say and more likely to respond.
When he does even a little of what you’re asking, sign up for positive reinforcement: Sometimes changes like this have to be a gradual process. You cannot expect your spouse to change overnight. But most of the time, you will notice that you make an effort with small changes. And when you do, you want to give as much positive reinforcement as you can. Thank him and then do something nice for him in return. In this way, he will associate making you feel special with something good that is happening to him, so he will naturally want to repeat the process.
Often times, our spouses love and appreciate us more than we think. And they just need a little nudge every now and then so you can both review what makes them special. Frankly, it can sometimes make us jealous to see friends in new relationships who are seemingly madly in love or infatuated. But sometimes, there is nothing as sweet as mature love that has been modified from time to time.
