It is very common for wives to take the blame when their husband leaves them or wants a divorce. Most of the time, there is a lot of guilt for everyone and taking it all on your own shoulders rarely does much good. However, many wives are convinced that it was her behavior that caused her husband to leave. And, taking it a step further, they wonder if changing his behavior will make him come back. I recently heard from a wife who was sure she “pushed her husband away” with her negative behavior and now she wants to change that behavior to get it back.

She said in part: “Looking back now, I can see that I was always quite negative towards my husband. I was always jealous and possessive. I always assumed the worst in him and got depressed around the house like I was waiting for something wrong to happen. When I wanted to go out or do fun things with friends, I would always find an excuse not to go, repeatedly telling myself that it wasn’t fun living with me and that I wasn’t sure how long I could keep ‘always walking on eggshells’ around me. But I kept up my negative behavior and pushed it away and now it’s gone. Now I know I was wrong and I want it back more than anything. Behavior and show that I’ve changed and I can be nice to be around, can I get it back? “I’ll try to address these concerns in the next article.

Instead of focusing solely on the fact that it pushed you away, focus on changing your outlook from negative to positive: The wife felt an incredible amount of guilt now that her husband was gone. She completely blamed herself and this attitude was following her when she was trying to interact with her husband. While it was good that she was willing to take responsibility for her behavior, that same behavior was now in the past. Yes, a lot of things would have to be undone. But constantly dwelling on the big mistake he made would not help improve the situation. I suggested that he focus on the present and the future rather than the past. Yes, her negativity had affected her marriage and the happiness of her family. But today was a new day and insisting on his behavior didn’t change him or even address negativity.

Make your husband believe that he has changed enough that he wants to come back: I felt that this should be the main goal of the wife. Because in order for her husband to even have the idea of ​​coming home willingly and cooperatively, he needed to believe that the wife was not only willing to change, but that the process had already begun. That is why it was very important that you approach your husband in a positive and credible way. It is equally important that you only say or do things that can be completely genuine. Because it’s normal and it’s no wonder your husband has some doubts about his new self. Making him believe that the changes are genuine, sustainable and sufficient will often take some time. This is why it is so important to always be very careful not to revert to your previous behaviors. You have to truly understand why you acted the way you did, and then make the necessary and appropriate adjustments so that true and lasting change is possible.

Make sure your husband knows and understands that your true focus is gradually creating a happy and lasting marriage rather than just getting it back in the short term: One thing I must inform you of is that you may encounter some resistance from your husband, who may have heard all of your promises or vows before. He may feel like you’re just telling him what he wants to hear so he can come home. But, you may suspect that as soon as you do, you will revert to your old behaviors.

This is why it is vital that you make it clear that you are more focused on a long-term solution than a short-term quick fix. Because you probably don’t want to go back if the solution is only temporary or if you suspect that both of you will do all this work to make all these changes only to end up back where you started.

One way to tackle this problem head-on is to focus on more gradual progress. Your husband will likely have some understandable doubts if you try to make him believe that you suddenly changed your personality or solved all your problems overnight. This is not the way it works and your husband knows this as well as anyone else. Instead, you want to focus on gradual changes that are credible and that you can sustain with a little effort. Sometimes it is best to keep interactions brief and casual until your husband begins to put some of his doubts aside and you begin to regain your confidence.

As much as you can, try to surround yourself with things that reinforce a positive and optimistic attitude: When faced with the threat of losing someone we love, it is normal and understandable to be sad, scared, or even depressed. But allowing these feelings to propel us when we interact with our husband can intensify and show the problems that brought us here in the first place. It’s very easy to adopt a defeatist attitude and think things like, “Maybe I don’t deserve it anyway, since now you’ve seen the real me and I can’t undo what I did.” The truth is that there was a moment when he saw your best side and he liked what he saw. Right now, you have to go back to cultivating that person. But you can’t do that if you are feeding on negative thoughts and experiences.

I know it is difficult to focus on the positive when negative things are happening around you, but doing so will help you achieve it convincingly and the difference may be apparent to your husband, helping to lay the groundwork for the work that you have to do. . This is just one more change that you are showing her. And the totality of all these changes could convince you that you’ve still invested enough to come back. So while you may think you pushed him away, now is the time to show him that you are serious enough to get him back so that he doesn’t exhibit the same behaviors.