Talking to children about sex should be done when they are ready to learn about it. We usually know they are ready when they start asking questions.
Heard at the time of departure:
Trisha, age 5: Mommy, have you ever had sex?
Mommy: Yes, three times. Now get in the car…
At this question, most parents would probably blush and lose their temper. It’s something we feel uncomfortable talking about with children. We are terrified that our children will eventually imagine mom and dad doing this to get them born. We anticipate the “yuck!” or the “ooohhh…” of our children who, in reality, ask sex questions innocently and without shame or embarrassment.
Since we are our children’s first teachers, the fact remains that we are also our children’s best teachers about sex. Talking to children about sex requires us to have extensive experience with sex and to be comfortable with our own sexuality. It is therefore disappointing that my first sex education lecture and lecture was at school with my religion teacher, a Benedictine nun. I was then, already, 10 years old. Although we talk about sex education in schools, we are well aware that the most difficult issues start at home, at a very young age.
Talk to children about parts of the body
Children are naturally curious. At 2-3 years old, they will want to know about their body parts and their names. When it comes to their private parts, we often give them nicknames. Because? Because we feel ashamed for them and we pass this shame on to the child. Would we rather our kids learn vulgar terms like “dick,” “dick,” and “cunt” before they learn their real names? They will only result in a lot of confusion for the children. It doesn’t take long to get used to their universal names, and eventually these nicknames will sound barbaric to you. We can use “vulva” which are the female external genitalia. “Vagina” is the channel that connects the uterus and the external sexual organs. Kindergarten teachers, however, incorrectly use “vagina” to refer to external genitalia. On the other hand, we can use “penis” for the male external genitalia. However, an important reminder. Present these names matter-of-factly, without giggling or blushing, or you won’t be able to send the facts as they really are: facts.
In addition to learning their names, children will naturally want to explore them in their own bodies or in someone else’s body. I have had students peek up my skirt or put a hand on my front parts with candid curiosity. Although at first I get upset, scolding them or making them feel ashamed because that’s certainly not the right way to deal with it. “Teacher, why do you have bigger breasts than mine?” my girls often ask. “Our body parts get bigger as we get older, and that includes the breasts,” I reply. No more no less. We cannot give children more than they ask for and higher than their level of understanding.
Self touching, is it normal? She had a 2-year-old nephew who was so fascinated with touching his penis at bath time and watching him stand up stiff and erect on occasion. While this may cause some concern, we can choose to casually ignore it or acknowledge that while we know it feels good, it should be made clear that it is an activity that should not become a habit and should be kept private. It’s all part of the exploration process that usually manifests as play for the child.
Talk to children about the origin of babies?
Now take a deep breath and go ahead! When my daughter asked this question, I replied: “What do you think?” just to check and make sure my answer will be good enough for her. I use the fantasy egg story for 2-3 year olds, crude as it may sound. I learned this from a child development specialist. The story goes that babies are born from an egg that dad puts in mom’s stomach, which grows as time goes by until she is ready to hatch. We can leave out scientific facts or details about lovemaking when it’s not necessary.
If we still feel uncomfortable talking about sex with our young children, there are now great children’s books that explain the facts that we can leave lying around the house for them to read. A good book to try is “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Dorling Kindersley. We can dive into it together when they’re younger, then they can read it themselves when they’re older.
Chorus of using animals like dogs to explain sex or you will be in big trouble when your child sees the dog having sex anywhere, anytime, any way, with any dog! It is important to pass on the moral context of sex to our children. Sex is something to share with someone you love and are committed to. However, avoid giving too many moral lessons or you will bore the children.
Looking back on my childhood, I realize that I never asked my parents questions about sex because I was afraid they would scold me for it. But it’s important to talk to our kids about sex even if they don’t ask questions. They might be ready to learn about it at their own level of understanding. Remember that “sex talk” is not just about making love. Sexuality and gender issues start at birth when babies begin to explore their bodies. There is no perfect age for sex education.
So mommy and daddy, are you up for homework?
