From Rosemont, Illinois. Original Air Date: 05/17/09
Umag D. CM Punk, Samoan Spike–pin (***1/2).
So why does Umaga beat Pepsiman anyway? Anyway, the hometown rule applies here as Punk gets the job done, although it was a pretty good start otherwise with plenty of nifty places like G2S countered in a Samoan drop. I don’t understand WWE’s obsession with their talent ALWAYS losing to his hometown, unless you’re Jim Ross then you’re embarrassed on a grand scale.
ECW Champion Christian d. Jack Swagger, handful of stockings — pin (***1/2).
I really enjoyed this match and loved it when Christian jumped off the top rope on Swagger and ran the other way haha… classic Christian. The end came when Swagger went for the ripping powerbomb, but Xian turned around, went for the kill switch, as Swagger walked away, then Xian rolled up, with a handful of FTW tights and to continue the feud. I guess Christian is the dirtiest new player in the game. It’s kind of a lame ending though. Too bad Christian isn’t “popular” enough to have a clean win.
Meanwhile, Edge and Chavo argue. Edge told Chavo to do something about the transvestite who called his aunt a pig. Edge is amazing and one of the best actors in WWE. He can make a mediocre promotion amazing by the way he delivers it.
John Morrison D. Shelton Benjamin, Starship Pain — pine (***).
Sadly, Charlie Haas has abandoned the spoofing trick. While I am excited to see the best tag team in the world assembled, The Great Charli > WGTT. Anyway, this was a good match, but it was missing something. Maybe it was the crowd; they didn’t seem to be buying Nitro as a face. Anything great things in the end as both guys hit some beautiful spots and in the end Nitro wins with his flippy spinny indy move. Both guys need more game time; they can put on a great show.
The comedy segment saw The Miz directly Jack Alfonso Soriano at ringside and mentions Jannetty (which was a good reference), a group of Ducks, Chicago Cubs and SMH. Then strangely, Santino saves Soriano and calls him The Fiz. The two funniest wrestlers on Raw against each other? They should keep that going. A Miz-Santino fight would be priceless.
Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio d. Chris Jericho in shorts, 619 — pin (***).
Jericho is becoming obsolete, he should go back to his smug and arrogant ways as in his WCW days. Anyway, Jericho throws Mysterio around the ring like a rag doll and Rey is so small compared to Jericho, I don’t think Y2J can make this feud work because of that. Regardless, the match would have been average if Jericho hadn’t made the promo on the ‘guarantee’ that there would be no 619; he gave the party a story. And usually he hates Mysterio’s matches, because they’re very formulaic, but that was a good match, thanks to Jericho. Rey is a total shell of his old self, though. The announcers talk about him being a “high flyer”, but he hardly does that anymore. He should retire to be able to walk in 10 years.
Flying Batista d. WWE Champion Randy Orton without hair, attacking the referee — DQ (*1/2).
Finally, a potty break game. Orton may be fine, but he needs someone to help him, and that man is not Batista. The same goes for Batista. They just cancel each other out. Regardless, there was considerable RKO chanting and this was not a pro-DAVE crowd. This match just sucked the energy out of the show. Both guys are like video game characters. Repetitive movements, awkward animations, excessive normal mapping, and sometimes a victim of lag. If Orton’s finishing move was a headlock, he would win every match. The end came when Orton deliberately got himself disqualified, attacking the referee in a cheap finish. Those kinds of finishes make you wonder why he didn’t slap the referee two seconds into the game and walk away. After the game, Legacy went downstairs to attack Big Dave, but a 90-year-old man manages to save him. Wow. Damn Flair, stay back.
John Cena with odds of winning d. The Big Show, attitude adjustment — pin
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I love how Cena looks like he’s about to cry when he’s looking down. Cena Sucks’ singing is much louder as it should be. And if I had a dollar for every time they said “No one evokes more emotion outside of the WWE Universe than John Cena.” and “The World’s Greatest Athlete”. For this match alone I could buy WWE 100 times. And man, it’s amazing how quickly and severely this PPV went from being a possible PPV of the year to a complete nap fest. Anyway, in the end, Cena overcomes adversity and, by God, I am so inspired! Miracles happen! Yes, a boring game. So if Cena is Superman, does that make having a good match with Big Show his kryptonite?
World Champion Edge d. Jeff Hardy, top rope DDT — passer (***).
This has been a show where the champions come out first. The end came when Matt Hardy interfered and attacked Jeff, Cowboy Bob Orton style with an arm in a cast. This was a good match until Matt Hardy came out. Judgment day ends and there is no punk or cash, just credits. I guess the hometown rule is still in effect. Still Edge is still the champion, so all is well with the world.
Man of the Night: Miz – He’s certainly upped his game recently and I love it. We’ve needed a “get under the skin” heel in the worst way; it’s so annoying and yet you can’t stop watching it because it takes trash talk to a whole new level.
Death Threat of the Night: Flair – Seriously, he should stay retired. I hope this is something unique and that he does not fight again.
Best match of the night: Xian v. Swagger – great game.
Worst match of the night: Dinner v. Show – boring party.
Jobber of the Night: Punk losing two consecutive PPVs. I’m guessing CM Punk didn’t drink his Natural Pepsi before the match.
Squash of the Night: So Legacy has been completely dismantled by a 39-year-old non-wrestler and a retired 60-year-old wrestler. Good writing, WWE. The only time I liked Legacy was when Orton kissed Stephanie because he didn’t expect me to. Otherwise, Legacy has suffered from bad writing, bad promotions, and horrible matches.
Burn Point of the Night: Mysterio took what looked like a bad knockdown, though he looked good afterward, but for a second I thought he was lost.
Surprise of the night: Edge-Hardy goes last and Punk does not charge.
Finished: the meeting with Matt Hardy was unnecessary.
Homo-erotic moment: Cole and Lawler acting surprised when Cena won; “He went for the impossible… and somehow he succeeded!” / “Win Without Fear!” / “Dinner has made a lot of people believers tonight!”
Fuck the Smarks: No Punk, and a meaningless encounter with Matt. WWE is dragging out some of these stories too long.
Quotable Quotes: “That chair is always dangerous!” — Michael Cole during the fight for the WWE title.
