Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It is built into our system and has a purpose for our lives. Thomas Fuller called it “the sinew of our souls,” as long as it’s expressed constructively and doesn’t sabotage our marriage.

Charles Darwin was of the opinion that human behavior contains residues of the responses found in animals or primitive man, necessary for their survival. Humans having become involved with higher beings, these residual responses are hidden in the subconscious and are activated only when provoked. However, not all scientists agree with Darwin. The theory of perceptual motivation is more balanced and acceptable. It suggests that when an individual evaluates a eliciting stimulus as pleasant or unpleasant, he excites according to her judgment.

Anger is a distinctive feeling of disgust at a real or imagined evil. It causes the adrenaline to flow, the blood pressure to rise, the face to flush and the breath to catch. It is an extremely powerful emotion with the potential to destroy marital happiness and interpersonal relationships.

Different ways to express anger:

• Open hostility towards the spouse. Men who beat their wives are said to be angry, resentful, suspicious, and short-tempered. Although they may behave well in public, home is the setting where they show their darker side.

But anger is not exclusively a male trait. Women can also be angry. Although they may not be physically strong enough to beat their husbands, they can be abusive and insulting. Verbal abuse is very high in urban situations. Its effects last much longer than physical abuse. Many families have a ‘hot temper’ problem.

Abraham Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was believed to have a fiery temper. She was not only abusive, but she would physically abuse her husband with firewood or throw potatoes at her. On one occasion, she even chased him around the Springwell yard, carrying a kitchen knife. Even after she became First Lady and moved into the White House, her staff were terrified of her sharp tongue.

Anger can even take a subtle form of suffocating love, where the husband coddles his wife and does things for her, while totally isolating her and stifling her competence and creativity.

• Crying or wailing when angry is sometimes a woman’s way of expressing her anger.

• Stay silent, quench your anger and let it build up inside like a smoldering volcano waiting to erupt. This will manifest itself in altered physiological functioning and consequently in poor health. A study conducted by an independent research firm in Wisconsin looked at marital discord and its effect on heart disease and overall mortality. They found that those who continued to suppress their anger activated stress hormones that negatively affected health. Heart attacks, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension can occur. Symptoms of gastric ulcer surface in those who continually suppress anger. One surgeon said that 97% of his ulcer patients were angry people.

Prolonged emotional stress can also cause behavior changes. Adolf Meyer describes the role of emotional factors in physical and mental health as psychoparallelism.

• Harmful attitudes such as withdrawal, poor job application, inability to get along with colleagues, and also difficulty keeping a job.

Uncontrolled anger results.

1. Marital conflict: Anger threatens the unity and stability of families. In some families, fighting is a habit. Both spouses can have short fuses. Children begin to imitate their parents.

2. Strained Relationships: Anger patterns can become destructive and unpleasant.

3. Child Abuse: Angry parents may viciously attack their children. The incidence of child abuse by parents is increasing and is not limited to lower socioeconomic groups. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere become angry adults. They react in three ways: passive resistance through silence and lack of cooperation, retaliation, or open rebellion.

What causes anger?

• Frustration: Feeling of being misunderstood or taken for granted; Needs are not met. Sometimes the anger can be out of proportion to the actual provocation.

• Fear of violence, illness, job loss, or loss of a loved one.

• Hurt by the indifference of the loved one. It can be emotional, physical or relational.

• Burnout: Overwork, stress, lack of appreciation and unfairness.

Anger management at home.

1. Understand anger: It is an inherent component of all relationships. Oliver and Wright in their book “Pressure Point” say that “disagreements in relationships are inevitable and a fundamental part of achieving intimacy.” So one needs to find healthy ways to express anger. Spouses must understand and appreciate their differences. Such an attitude will lead to intimacy.

2. Fight constructively: Couples must learn to vent anger without destroying each other’s self-esteem. Those who learn to fight constructively will ensure the longevity of their marriage. However, frequent disagreements will weaken the bonds of love.

3. Honesty: Accept that you are angry. Analyze the reasons for your anger. What triggered it?

4. Avoid arguments in the heat of the moment. Work things out when you’re in a better mood. Ask yourself if you are also to blame. Denying your part in the disagreement makes it difficult to resolve the problem. Healthy arguments testify to a strong marriage. But the blame game is dangerous. Disagree without hurting each other.

5. Control your tongue. Take a deep breath and mentalize yourself to relax. “The fool gives vent to his wrath, but the wise man controls himself.” (Proverbs 29:11) Sometimes getting away from the scene gives a better perspective on the problem. Yoga and meditation have helped people control their tempers.

6. Listen to each other. It is very important to understand the point of view of the other. “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get to the cause are committing spousal suicide,” says Broderick.

7. Sublimating anger through physical exercise, creative activity, or some other form of recreation helps dissipate anger. Such activities take the sting out of this explosive emotion and help discuss matters in a calmer frame of mind. Then negotiation and problem solving is possible.

8. Make the decision to never go to sleep with anger in your heart. Make peace with your spouse before you go to sleep. As the Bible says: “In your anger, do not sin; do not let the sun go down when you are angry, and do not give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26, 27.)

9. Forgiveness will lead to the restoration of broken relationships. Holding grudges placed a heavy burden on the heart. The pain becomes magnified and unbearable. By forgiving, we stop hurting ourselves and the other person. Abraham Lincoln was able to live with his abusive wife through a spirit of forgiveness. He made him patient and tolerant.

Forgiveness should also mean letting go of the offense and making a promise never to use it as a weapon in any subsequent fight. Forgiveness is hard. It can only be done by the grace of God. “Forgive as the Lord forgives you.” The feeling of peace that follows is indescribable.